A young man from our church, Alex Coffman, posted the following note on Facebook in regards to dating. I thought it was very well thought out and very well articulated. I believe he has a very good point and it is definitely worth reading and contemplating. Mindy and I have had some very in depth discussions about this topic since the posting and I feel God has put some things on my heart in regards to it.
This is what Alex wrote:
Panic Attack: "Oh no, they're dating!"
In preface, I will say that I am writing my transparent opinion on this topic. I have a young mind, and yes, I may be wrong. But this is what I feel, and it's what I'll write. This is also what I believe. I'm not dissing anyone's thoughts or opinions, just voicing mine. Please comment and voice yours. That's my purpose in posting this. I would also like to advise any easily offended friends of mine that there is some fairly blunt talk in this opinionated note. I'm not trying to me offensive, just voicing my opinion straight-forward, not through rose-colored glasses.
Dating is such a hard topic to discuss in the church these days. No one agrees. Someone always finds a loophole. There's always that one exception to the rule. So what's the deal?
Here's the topic:
Should teens be allowed to date?
Believe me, I've heard this from every angle possible. I've heard the people who say dating is wrong PERIOD and the people who say it's all fair game as long as they don't have sex.
I don't believe either of those. The most popular opinions I hear is "wait until they are older and then court", basically, don't get serious until you get old, kids. The other I've heard is just a judge of character.
I don't even think it's that. I think that it is all based on a case to case basis. It doesn't take any kind of scientist to figure out when two people like each other. It's obvious. There's chemistry. There's attraction. It's just part of it. That's what makes "liking" someone what it is. So here are some things to keep in mind when dealing with these situations and issues teens have with the way parents deal with this issue.
A. Parents, you cannot reverse your teen's thoughts. You can tell them that you disapprove of the person by looking at their character, and maybe they will see it too. But you can't keep two people from liking each other. It's simply impossible. Chances are that if you tell someone they "can't" like someone, it will cause rebellion, and no one wants that. It only makes things worse.
B. You can tell easily if two people are together simply because they are physically attracted to each other or if they are also attracted to the other's character. If two are simply physically attracted, well, we know how that ends up. Those Christian teens will show a different side of themselves if they allow themselves to go out of control. However, if two are together for more than the physical attributes, than there's a case to be made for them. If they know in their hearts what they want to do and not do, setting their standards and setting the bar high, they have a case.
C. This brings me to this. Discouragement is not the right thing. As "A" said, you CAN'T keep two people from being physically attracted to each other. However, if these two people are PURELY in love with the person, their character, and the things they do, it's different. If these two people love God, are dedicated to "taking it slow", not kissing or anything further until it is time in the relationship, and are content to just hug, hold hands innocently, and talk on the phone, I see it hard to say "NO, you can't do that". What are you showing a teen in such a crucial time in their life? If they are dedicated to doing things RIGHT, and you say, NO that's wrong, it's discouraging. It's even more discouraging when they have tried to be good and tell their parents about the relationship and they still bring it down. It creates the mentality that if they kept it a secret, they wouldn't have been shot down for doing things the RIGHT way. I've seen it, it's discouraging. And it causes rebellion. Simple as that.
What I'm trying to say is, don't just say no. Analyze the relationship. Talk the two in question through it. Analyze their morals and set standards. I know several cases in which two are together as teens, and these people are scared to speak of it or reveal it because they don't want to have to explain it to others. It's just too much trouble because no one accepts it. In these cases, it is obvious that the 2 are trying their best to be good and do things the right way. If they state a claim to Christianity, and they have set standards, find people to keep them accountable and let them grow together. I do believe that God can put people together, even early in teen life. It's possible. I know it. So don't condemn it. Help the next generation out and don't just use methodology and say "NO!", care about them and analyze the relationship to see if it has good, Christian potential.
D. There's also a level of trust. You have to trust the 2 people to do what they said they have done. So make them accountable with others for their actions. Also, as a parent, you will know the teen son/daughter in your life well enough to know if they can be trusted.
So give it a chance, don't destroy it with a generalization! Take care of their feelings and judge it on a personal, individual level.
The following is what God has been speaking to me:
I have really been thinking about what Alex said in his note about dating and as I commented previously I would like add a couple things. I have been able to speak directly with Alex about this and I don’t think he will mind me putting in my 75 cents worth.
My first thought is King David; one thing always stands out in my mind about him. The Bible says of David, “He was a man after God’s own heart.” That would be an awesome reference to have about ones character. David, even with that said about him, still fell into sin. He was passionate and loved God tremendously. He wanted to serve God and praised and worshipped Him like few other men, but really stepped off into sin with his relationship with Batsheba. How did a man after God’s own heart fall like that?
In 2 Samuel 11: 1 it says “In the spring, at the time when kings go off to war, David sent Joab out with the king's men and the whole Israelite army. They destroyed the Ammonites and besieged Rabbah. But David remained in Jerusalem.” So David was supposed to be at war with his men but he stayed in Jerusalem. He allowed himself to be in a place in which he was not supposed to be. This is my first warning to anyone who wants to “date”. Do not be where you are not supposed to be! Do not be alone, no way, no how! Do not spend the night at a house, even if it is in a big group, if the person you are interested in or attracted to will be there too!
In the same chapter vs. 2 it says “One evening David got up from his bed and walked around on the roof of the palace. From the roof he saw a woman bathing.” This is my second warning and it is in the form of a quote from our very own Pastor Gregg Jackson “Nothing good happens after 11pm.” David was in a place he should not have been and he was out late just looking around. If you are going to be out with the person you are attracted to don’t do at night and if you have any question about being out with the one you are attracted to go back up and read the previous paragraph. With that being said sin is darkness, and darkness has no place in the light. Sin has a greater pull at night and our flesh is more susceptible to it then too. It is easier to conceal what you are doing and easier to get caught up in the moment. Before you even realize it you will have stumbled and the next time it will be even easier to get back to the same place and easier to justify going farther.
I don’t think that there should be a chronological age limit on “dating” (yes I have called it dating, you can call it whatever you want, courting, building a friendship,… whatever, a rose by any other name is still a rose and this is most easily referred to as “dating”). As I was saying, I don’t think that you can put an age limit on dating. Now, let’s use some common sense here, I am not saying that a 12 year old should be allowed to date. What I am saying is that just because a person is 18 or even 42 that he or she has reached some magical age where dating is OK. I believe it is a maturity issue, and not just a social maturity. I believe that before a person can pursue a relationship with the opposite sex he should first be pursuing a relationship with Jesus. She should have a realization of who she is in Christ and have Him at the forefront of her life.
I am pretty sure that the Bible says, in one of those Commandment things, that “I am the Lord your God and there shall be only a couple other little gods before Me.” Of course I jest. I hope we all know that it says “no other gods”. My point is that if a young man or woman doesn’t know who he or she is in Christ and does not have a foundation upon which to build a relationship then that relationship will become an idol in the life of that young person. How often have you heard “I don’t know what I will do if he, or she, breaks up with me”? This is a definite sign that the relationship is an idol. My hope is in the Lord, it cannot be in any man or woman, it has to be in the Lord. If a person, no matter the age, cannot say that, then he has no business dating. If dating does occur without Christ as the most important part of the relationship then the relationship will consume the couple and it will bring destruction in their lives.
I am not saying that we have to be perfect Christians before we can date because that will never happen on this earth. What I am saying is that we have to be Christ centered and focused on a walk with Him as the Lord of our lives. We have to be able to realize when the relationship is becoming and idol and make a mature decision to step away from it until our focus is returned to Christ. This is true in more than just dating. I have seen it in my own life with my job, my hobbies, and even in my “ministry”. Until a person exhibits this amount of character in his life he should not even consider dating. The problem is that, as fallible humans, we have a hard time being honest with ourselves and realizing when these things are becoming idols. We must be willing to seek Godly counsel and open to hearing what that counsel might say to us when it corrects or challenges us.
One last thing, be wary of anyone who tells you to follow your heart. In Jeremiah 17:9 it says “The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it?” When someone tells you to follow your heart they are actually telling you to follow your flesh. The correct advice would be to listen to the Holy Spirit and dive into the Bible to make your decision based on Godly principles not fleshly desires.
